Kids get a lot more out of it than we often realize, and not just through their smartphones and other devices.
They hear people talking in the streets about catastrophic events such as the crisis in Ukraine. They sit trembling next to open windows at school, wearing surgical masks due to COVID. They are aware of their parents’ worries, fears and tensions – even when their parents are not talking about what is causing them stress.
Mental health experts say we should not ignore our children’s concerns or questions they may have about chaos in the world.
“Children want to be protected,” says psychologist Felix Peter, who works in schools with children and teens and represents an initiative called Psychologists for Future.
Children need to be able to feel that adults are doing the best they can in their lives to ensure that everything goes well.
And the best way to do that is to talk to the kids about what’s going on in the world. But how do you do it right?
Take their feelings seriously
Children express their emotions differently, depending on their age or experience, experts say.
When they are younger, children often find it difficult to find the words to express their feelings. This can lead to physical symptoms, such as stomach pain or headaches, says Katharina van Bronswijk, a psychotherapist who works with Felix Peter at Psychologists for Future.
A crying child should be comforted above all. Then questions like “What’s on your mind right now?” or “What happened today?” can help them express their feelings in words.
“How we talk about crises with children also depends on the child’s cognitive and emotional development,” says van Bronswijk.
But once a child starts asking questions about world affairs, says van Bronswijk, those questions need to be answered.
“People often say that you should try to remove a child’s fears. But we believe that fears should be discussed,” says Felix Peter.
Psychologists say that if you tell your child “Do not be afraid”, your child may think that you are forbidding this particular feeling. “I understand, it scares me too”, they say, it is a much better reaction because it lets the child understand that you are taking it seriously.
Honest adults
Parents should not be afraid of their feelings – or be afraid to reveal their concerns to their children.
“Children are better when adults are honest,” says van Bronswijk.
But as adults, we need to remember that we are responsible for managing our emotions – children should not be made to feel responsible for their parents’ stress, the two psychologists say.
Parents need to be well-informed when talking to their children about problems such as the Russia-Ukraine war or the global climate crisis. But it’s okay if you do not have the perfect answer to every question. Parents should feel that they can be honest and take the time to do their own research before answering their children’s questions.
Fear, anxiety, lack of knowledge – all good. However, adults should try to come to terms with their own feelings before talking to their children about them.
Managing your own emotions can teach your children a valuable lesson: All kinds of emotions are allowed and discussing them can help you learn how to understand them.
Child friendly crisis communication
Perhaps the most difficult questions are “What words do I use? How deep can I go?”
Felix Peter’s answer is simple: “The child’s questions decide the debate.”
Parents should allow discussions to be guided by their children’s questions. “And you don’t have to lecture them,” says Peter.
Time and space are important for these types of conversations. But the children understand that. When you are in a hurry at 8 in the morning, just before school or work, it may not be the best time for a lengthy question-and-answer session on a war.
But remember to return to their questions later in the day!
And if you are not sure how to explain the Russia-Ukraine war, for example, psychologists suggest that you look for news that is specific to children.
“But parents should not let their children watch war videos,” says van Bronswijk. “These images are hard to bear even for adults.”
Become a model
Whether it’s the climate crisis, COVID or the Russia-Ukraine war – psychologists say many adults struggle with feelings of helplessness or weakness.
So, these tips, they say, apply to you: Talking about uncomfortable feelings can be very helpful. And it can help you become a role model for your children.
There are children who feel less affected by global crises, says Felix Peter, and that’s okay, too. “Children do not have to be as sad as adults. We must not impose our feelings on them.”
Edited by: Alexander Freund
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